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Never. Excited, yes, but never awkward. Never silly. When Iwas thirteen I started jerking off wearing Sis's things, and I feltguilty about that. And ashamed. But never awkward. But as I gotolder, that somehow went away, and it just made me feel...well, sortof excited and calm, both at once."And these days, the excitement is all gone. Along with the guiltand shame. The fear of discovery...yes, that remains, but that'sSociety's fault, not mine. I just feel wonderfully calm. As if thisis something I'm supposed to be doing. Something that's profoundly*right* for me. When I really need to relax, I put on a dress." Hesmiled. "The best tranquilizer in the world."I had to steer the talk around to myself. "Well, I think *I'd* feelawkward." But nobody's asking you to dress up." Then he looked at me sharply."Or are you...?" Well...you seem so happy that way, it's so nice for you, at least Iguess it is, you look so peaceful and contented that way, and it wasso awful for me, and. Let’s see what else we have. I’ve got to go grocery shopping… how did I let it get like this? This is awful. She opened the pantry door, peered inside and then pulled out a can of olives and a bag of croutons. From the refrigerator, she picked up a sad and lonely head of lettuce, what was left of the tomatoes and a couple of boiled eggs. A healthy salad… well, maybe not so healthy after putting on the dressing but much better than a soggy, micro-waved corn dog or two. I’ll go easy on the bleu cheese, that’s all. After dinner, Carolyn sat down and started a shopping list for the next day. She walked back to the pantry and looked again, realizing the empty shelves were damning evidence of her frustration with life before David. She was hot-faced ashamed and started writing and writing and writing. Michael came home an hour later and she made him a sandwich with the last boiled egg. At Costco the next afternoon, she soon found herself pushing one cart and pulling another, stopping every.
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